Teaching Kids to Speak Up for Themselves

The ability to advocate for yourself—to express needs, set boundaries, and stand up for what's right—is a life skill. Some children do it naturally. Others need teaching. Here's how to help.

What Assertiveness Is (And Isn't)

**Assertiveness:** Expressing your needs, feelings, and opinions directly and respectfully, while considering others.

**Aggressiveness:** Expressing your needs in a way that violates others' rights. Demanding, bullying, intimidating.

**Passiveness:** Not expressing your needs at all. Going along, staying silent, being a doormat.

The goal is the middle path: clear, honest communication that respects both self and others.

Why Some Children Struggle to Speak Up

Temperament

Some children are naturally more reserved and conflict-avoidant. Speaking up feels uncomfortable and risky.

Fear of Consequences

What if the other person gets angry? What if I get in trouble? What if they don't like me anymore?

Past Experience

If speaking up has led to negative outcomes—punishment, ridicule, dismissal—children learn to stay quiet.

Modeling

If parents don't model assertiveness, children don't learn it. If parents model aggression, children may fear any assertion.

Cultural or Family Norms

Some families or cultures emphasize compliance and deference, making assertiveness feel inappropriate.

Lack of Skills

They simply may not know how to speak up effectively. No one has taught them the words.

Building Assertiveness Skills

Teach "I" Statements

The foundation of assertive communication:

"I feel [emotion] when [situation]. I need/want [request]."

Examples: - "I feel frustrated when you take my toys without asking. I need you to ask first." - "I feel left out when you don't include me. I want to play too."

Practice these at home until they become natural.

Role-Play Scenarios

Practice challenging situations: - Someone cuts in line - A friend is mean to them - They disagree with a teacher's decision - Someone pressures them to do something they don't want to do

Act it out together. Let them practice the words.

Give Them Language

Children often don't speak up because they don't know what to say. Provide scripts:

- "Stop. I don't like that." - "No thank you." - "I disagree. I think..." - "That's not okay with me." - "I need help with something." - "Can you please...?"

Start Small

Practice assertiveness in low-stakes situations: - Ordering their own food at a restaurant - Asking a store clerk for help - Telling a friend what game they want to play - Raising their hand in class

Success builds confidence.

Validate When They Speak Up

When your child asserts themselves—even awkwardly—acknowledge it:

"I noticed you told your friend you didn't want to play that game. That took courage."

Let Them Advocate with You

Practice at home isn't the same as practice in the world. When appropriate, let them speak for themselves:

At the doctor: Let them describe their symptoms. At school: Let them talk to the teacher about a concern. At a store: Let them return an item or ask a question.

Stay nearby for support, but don't take over.

Teach Them to Read Situations

Assertiveness isn't one-size-fits-all. Help them discern: - When is this worth speaking up about? - Who is safe to speak up to? - What's the best time and place? - What tone is appropriate?

Discuss Peer Pressure

As children get older, assertiveness becomes crucial for resisting peer pressure. Discuss scenarios:

"What would you do if friends wanted you to do something you knew was wrong?"

Practice saying no in various ways: "No thanks." "I don't want to." "I'm not into that." "My parents would kill me."

Model Assertiveness

Let them see you: - Express your needs clearly - Set boundaries respectfully - Handle conflict without aggression - Advocate for yourself and for them

Narrate what you're doing: "I'm going to tell the waiter that this isn't what I ordered. Watch how I do it politely."

When They're Too Assertive

Some children need to learn to dial it back—they're assertive to the point of rudeness or aggression.

For these children, teach: - Tone matters as much as words - Other people's feelings are also important - There's a difference between assertive and demanding - Listening is part of communication

The Goal

A child who can speak up for themselves is better equipped for life: for friendships, for school, for work, for relationships, for their own safety.

They won't get it right every time—none of us do. But with practice, they'll develop the confidence to express themselves clearly, set boundaries, and advocate for what they need.