7 Things to Say When Your Kids Are Fighting

They're screaming at each other again. Someone's crying. Someone's blaming. And you just want five minutes of peace. Here are phrases that actually help.

1. "I see two kids who both want the same thing."

This simple observation names the problem without assigning blame. You're not saying who's right—you're identifying the conflict. This alone can help children feel heard.

2. "It sounds like you're both really frustrated."

Acknowledge the emotions on both sides. When kids feel their feelings are recognized, they often calm down enough to problem-solve.

3. "What happened?" (To each child, separately if needed)

Get the story from both perspectives before responding. This doesn't mean you have to solve it—but both children need to feel heard.

Tip: If they're too heated to talk calmly, separate them first.

4. "What do you think would be a fair solution?"

Instead of imposing a solution, ask them to come up with one. You might be surprised. Children often find creative compromises when given the chance.

If they're stuck, offer options: "Would it be fair to take turns, or to find something else to play with?"

5. "You can be mad at your brother. You can't hit him."

This separates the feeling from the behavior. The anger is valid; the aggression is not. This is an important distinction for children to learn.

6. "I'm not going to decide who's right. I'm going to help you work this out."

Resist the urge to be judge and jury. When you consistently side with one child or try to determine "fault," you set yourself up as the referee they'll always run to.

Your job is to facilitate resolution, not deliver verdicts.

7. "It looks like you two need some space from each other right now."

Sometimes the best intervention is separation. Not as punishment—just as regulation. "Let's take a break. You can play together again when you're both calm."

What to Avoid

**Taking sides.** Even if you saw what happened, consistently siding with one child breeds resentment.

**Forcing apologies.** "Say you're sorry" produces empty words, not genuine remorse.

**Solving every conflict for them.** They need to develop conflict resolution skills.

**Comparing.** "Why can't you be nice like your sister?" guarantees more conflict, not less.

**Ignoring it completely.** Some parental involvement is needed, especially for physical aggression or major power imbalances.

When to Step In vs. Stay Out

**Step in when:** - There's physical aggression - One child is significantly more powerful (age, size) - Someone seems genuinely distressed - It's escalating despite their attempts to resolve it

**Stay out when:** - It's mild bickering - They're working toward a solution - Nobody's getting hurt - You've coached them on skills and want to let them practice

The Goal

You're not trying to eliminate sibling conflict—that's impossible and wouldn't even be healthy. You're trying to teach them how to navigate conflict constructively.

Every fight is a practice opportunity.