I Am the Boss of My Anger

Jayden's anger was fast. It showed up before he could think. Before he could choose. One second he was fine, the next second his fists were clenched and his jaw was tight and his whole body was ready to fight. It happened at school when Marcus cut him in line. It happened at home when his sister took the last popsicle. It happened at soccer when the ref made a bad call. "You need to control your temper," people said. Jayden didn't know how. His anger was bigger than him. Stronger than him. Faster than him. One day, his uncle came to visit. Uncle Ray had been in the army. He was big and strong and calm—always calm. "I heard you've been having trouble with your temper," Uncle Ray said. Jayden looked at the ground. "It controls me. I can't stop it." Uncle Ray sat down next to him. "Can I tell you a secret?" Jayden nodded. "I used to have the same problem. Anger would show up and take over, like it was the boss of me." Uncle Ray paused. "But here's what I learned: anger is fast. But it's not smart. You're smart. So if you can slow it down for just a few seconds, you can get ahead of it." "How?" "Three things. Ready?" Jayden nodded. "First: notice. When anger shows up, you feel it in your body before you feel it in your brain. Where do you feel it?" Jayden thought. "My fists. And my face gets hot." "Good. So when your fists squeeze and your face gets hot, that's your signal. Anger is coming. Now you have a choice." "What choice?" "The second thing: breathe. One big breath, in through your nose, out through your mouth. Just one. It sounds simple, but that one breath buys you time." "Then what?" "Third: ask yourself one question. What do I actually want to happen here?" Jayden frowned. "What do you mean?" "When Marcus cut you in line, what did you want?" "I wanted him to go back to his spot." "Did punching him get you that?" Jayden shook his head. "I got sent to the principal." "Right. Your anger had a plan, but it wasn't a good plan. You're smarter than your anger, Jayden. You just have to slow it down long enough to prove it." That week, Jayden practiced. On Tuesday, his sister took the remote. He felt his fists squeeze. He noticed. He took one breath. He asked himself: What do I actually want? "Can I have a turn in ten minutes?" he said. His sister shrugged. "Sure." Jayden stared at her. That had never worked before. But he'd also never asked like that before. On Thursday, Marcus said something mean at recess. Jayden felt his face get hot. He noticed. He breathed. What do I actually want? He wanted Marcus to stop. But he also didn't want to go to the principal again. "Whatever, Marcus," Jayden said. He walked away. It didn't feel great. But it didn't feel as bad as last time. On Saturday, Uncle Ray called. "How's it going, boss?" Jayden smiled at that word. Boss. "I'm getting faster," Jayden said. "Faster than my anger." "That's because you're the boss of it now. Not the other way around." Jayden stood up a little straighter. He was the boss.