Teaching Empathy: Raising Kids Who Care About Others

Empathy—the ability to understand and share another's feelings—is foundational to being a good human. It doesn't come automatically to all children, but it can be taught.

What Empathy Is

Empathy has multiple components:

**Cognitive empathy:** Understanding what another person is thinking or feeling. "She looks sad because her toy broke."

**Emotional empathy:** Feeling with another person. Actually experiencing some of their emotion.

**Compassionate empathy:** Being moved to help. Not just understanding or feeling, but acting.

The goal is developing all three.

Empathy Development by Age

Infants (0-1)

Babies show "emotional contagion"—they cry when other babies cry. This isn't empathy yet, but it's the foundation.

Toddlers (1-3)

Begin to understand that others have feelings separate from their own. May try to comfort others in simple ways (offering their own comfort object). Empathy is inconsistent and often self-referential.

Preschoolers (3-5)

Growing understanding that others' feelings may differ from theirs. Can begin to take others' perspectives with support. Still egocentric but increasingly aware of others.

School Age (6-10)

Can understand that others have different thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Can imagine how someone else feels. Developing the ability to empathize with people different from themselves.

Tweens (10-12)

Can extend empathy beyond immediate relationships to groups, causes, and people they've never met. Abstract thinking enables broader compassion.

How to Nurture Empathy

Model Empathy

Children learn empathy by receiving it. When you empathize with your child, you model the skill and fill their "empathy tank":

"You look disappointed that the playdate was canceled. That's frustrating when you were looking forward to it."

Also let them see you empathizing with others: "Dad seems tired tonight. Work was hard today. Let's give him some quiet time."

Name Emotions—Yours, Theirs, and Others'

Emotional vocabulary is essential for empathy. Label feelings constantly:

"Your brother looks frustrated." "I think that woman is sad." "You seem excited!"

Books, movies, and real life all offer opportunities to identify and discuss emotions.

Ask Perspective-Taking Questions

When conflict arises or emotions are high, prompt perspective-taking:

"How do you think Maya felt when you said that?" "Why do you think he did that?" "What might she be thinking right now?"

Don't lecture—ask. Let them think through it.

Point Out Impact

Help children see the effect of their actions on others:

"Look at your sister's face. She's sad because you wouldn't let her play." "When you shared your snack, did you see how happy it made him?"

Connecting their behavior to others' emotions builds empathy.

Read Together and Discuss

Books are empathy training. Characters in stories let children practice perspective-taking safely:

"How do you think she feels right now?" "Why did he make that choice?" "What would you do?"

Choose books with emotional depth and discuss the characters' inner lives.

Expose Them to Difference

Empathy grows through encountering people different from ourselves: - Diverse books, media, and stories - Varied friendships and communities - Travel and new experiences - Conversations about people with different lives

This prevents empathy from being limited to "people like me."

Let Them Help

When someone needs help, involve your child: - Making a meal for a sick neighbor - Writing a card for someone struggling - Donating toys to children in need - Volunteering together

Action deepens empathy.

Avoid Empathy Killers

Certain parenting practices undermine empathy: - Dismissing children's emotions ("Stop crying, it's not a big deal") - Constant competition and comparison - Harsh punishment without explanation - Labeling ("He's the mean one") - Modeling indifference to others' suffering

Repair Your Mistakes

When you lose patience, snap, or hurt your child's feelings, repair:

"I'm sorry I yelled. That wasn't okay. How did that make you feel?"

Modeling accountability and care when you've caused harm is powerful empathy teaching.

What About "Too Much" Empathy?

Some sensitive children feel others' pain so deeply they become overwhelmed. This is emotional empathy without regulation.

For these children: - Validate their sensitivity as a strength - Teach emotional regulation skills - Help them distinguish their feelings from others' - Practice self-care when absorbing others' emotions

When Empathy Seems Absent

Some children struggle more with empathy: - Very young children (developmentally normal) - Children who haven't received empathy themselves - Some neurodivergent children (who may need explicit teaching) - Children who have been hurt and self-protect

Rarely, absence of empathy signals conduct problems that need professional attention. If you're concerned, consult a professional.

The Long Game

Empathy develops over years, not days. Every conversation, every modeled moment, every book read together adds to your child's capacity to understand and care for others.

You're not just raising your child. You're raising someone who will impact countless others through their empathy—or lack of it. It's worth the investment.