Teaching Kids to Use Their Words Instead of Their Fists

The goal isn't just to stop hitting—it's to give them something better to do instead. Children who can express anger, frustration, and needs with words don't need to use their fists. Here's how to build those skills.

Why Words Are Hard

Before we teach, let's understand why this is challenging:

Words Are Slower Than Fists

By the time they think of what to say, they've already hit. Impulse moves faster than language.

They May Not Know What They Feel

"Use your words" assumes they have words for their feelings. Many children don't. They just feel a surge of something overwhelming.

Words Don't Always Work

They've probably tried saying "Stop!" and been ignored. Why use words if hitting gets better results?

They're Dysregulated

You can't access language well when you're flooded with emotion. The rational brain goes offline.

Build Emotional Vocabulary First

Before they can say how they feel, they need to know how they feel.

Name Emotions Constantly

"You look frustrated." "I think you're disappointed." "Your face tells me you're angry."

Do this all the time—not just during conflict.

Use Books and Media

Point out emotions in characters: "How do you think he feels right now? Look at his face."

Name Your Own Feelings

"I'm feeling frustrated right now because I can't find my keys."

Model that everyone has feelings and names them.

Use a Feelings Chart

Visual charts with faces showing different emotions help children identify what they're experiencing.

Teach Specific Scripts

Don't just say "use your words." Tell them exactly which words to use.

For Anger

- "I'm mad!" - "I don't like that!" - "Stop! I don't want you to do that!" - "I'm so angry right now!"

For Wanting Something

- "Can I have a turn?" - "I want that. Can I use it when you're done?" - "I was playing with that."

For Setting Boundaries

- "No! I don't like it!" - "That's mine." - "I need space." - "Please stop."

For Getting Help

- "I need help!" - "Mom/Dad, can you help us?" - "This isn't working."

Practice these during calm times. Role-play scenarios. Make it a game.

Practice When They're Calm

The time to learn is NOT during conflict. Practice when everyone is regulated:

Role-Play Scenarios

"Let's pretend I take your toy. What could you say instead of hitting?"

Use Stuffed Animals

Act out conflicts with toys. Let them practice the words.

Praise Real-Life Use

When they do use words, notice it: "You told your brother you were angry instead of hitting! That was hard. I'm proud of you."

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

This takes hundreds of repetitions. Don't expect it to stick immediately.

In the Moment

Prompt Before They Hit

If you see escalation: "Use your words. Tell him you don't like it."

Give the Words If Needed

"Say 'That's mine!'" Sometimes they need you to literally tell them what to say.

Coach After Intervention

After stopping the hitting: "What could you say to your sister right now?"

Don't Expect Perfection

They're learning. Progress, not perfection.

Make Words Work

If words never get results, why would they use them?

Respond to Their Words

When they say "I'm angry," acknowledge it: "I hear you. You're really angry."

Help Words Get Results

If they say "Can I have a turn?" help make that happen: "He asked for a turn. When will you be done?"

Words Should Work Better Than Hitting

Make sure hitting doesn't get them what they want, and words do.

Beyond Words: Other Outlets

Sometimes they need more than words. Teach physical outlets that aren't aggressive:

- Stomp feet - Squeeze a stress ball - Push against a wall - Run around the yard - Punch a pillow - Rip paper - Scribble hard on paper

"You can be mad. You can stomp. You can squeeze this ball. You can't hit."

The Long Game

Replacing hitting with words takes time—months to years, not days to weeks. You're building neural pathways that don't exist yet.

Every time they use words instead of hitting, that pathway gets stronger. Every time you prompt and practice, you're building brain architecture.

Keep going. It's working even when it doesn't feel like it.