Helping Your Child with Social Anxiety

Some children are naturally shy. But for kids with social anxiety, social situations aren't just uncomfortable—they feel genuinely threatening. Here's how to help.

What Social Anxiety Looks Like

Social anxiety is an intense fear of being judged, embarrassed, or rejected in social situations. It's more than shyness—it's fear that interferes with life.

Signs in children: - Avoids social situations (parties, playdates, class participation) - Intense worry before social events, sometimes days in advance - Physical symptoms in social settings (stomachache, nausea, sweating) - Few friends or difficulty making friends - Reluctance to speak in class, answer questions, or talk to adults - Extreme concern about what others think - Replays social interactions afterward, worrying about what they said or did - May seem "fine" in comfortable settings (home, close family) but struggles elsewhere

What's Happening Underneath

Children with social anxiety typically: - Believe others are judging them negatively - Assume they'll embarrass themselves - Feel like everyone is watching them - Set impossibly high standards for social performance - Focus intensely on physical symptoms (blushing, sweating) and assume others notice

These beliefs feel like facts to them, even when evidence suggests otherwise.

What Doesn't Help

Pushing Too Hard

Forcing a socially anxious child into overwhelming situations can backfire, confirming their fears and damaging trust. A child dragged to a party may have such a bad experience that their anxiety increases.

Complete Avoidance

But letting them avoid everything doesn't help either. Avoidance reinforces the fear. The goal is gradual exposure, not sudden immersion or total retreat.

Criticizing or Minimizing

"Don't be so shy" or "What's the big deal?" doesn't help. They already feel bad about their anxiety. Criticism adds shame.

Doing Things for Them

Ordering for them at restaurants, speaking for them to adults, arranging all their social interactions—this prevents them from building skills and confidence.

What Does Help

Validate Their Experience

"I can see social situations feel really hard for you. That's real, and I understand." Validation doesn't reinforce the anxiety—it builds trust so they'll let you help.

Teach Social Skills Explicitly

Some socially anxious children actually lack social skills; others have skills but freeze when anxious. Either way, practice helps.

Role-play conversations. Practice introductions. Discuss what to do when you don't know what to say. Make the implicit rules of social interaction explicit.

Build a Ladder

Use gradual exposure (see Article 23). Start with least threatening social situations and work up.

Example ladder: 1. Wave to a neighbor 2. Say hi to a peer at school 3. Ask a classmate a question 4. Have a short conversation with one peer 5. Join a group activity 6. Invite someone for a playdate 7. Attend a party

Focus on "Good Enough," Not Perfect

Help them set realistic expectations. The goal isn't to be the life of the party—it's to participate in a way that works for them.

"You don't have to talk to everyone. How about saying hi to one person?"

Challenge Anxious Thoughts

Help them examine their fears: - "What's the evidence everyone will laugh at you?" - "What actually happened last time?" - "If someone did notice you blushing, so what? What would they really think?"

Create Low-Stakes Social Opportunities

One-on-one playdates are easier than groups. Structured activities (art class, sports) are easier than unstructured socializing. Familiar settings are easier than new ones.

Build success in easier situations before tackling harder ones.

Model Social Confidence

Let them see you navigating social situations—making small talk, introducing yourself, recovering from awkward moments. Narrate your process: "I didn't know anyone at that event, so I just found one person and asked about their weekend."

Praise Brave Behavior

Notice and name courage: "I saw you ask that kid if you could join the game. That took guts." Praise effort, not outcomes.

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider therapy if: - Anxiety is significantly interfering with school, friendships, or activities - Your child is increasingly isolated - Home strategies aren't making a dent - Your child is very distressed - They're developing other symptoms (depression, school refusal)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is highly effective for social anxiety. A therapist can provide structured exposure and help challenge distorted thinking.