When Your Child Hits at School or Daycare

The call from school. The note from daycare. Your child hit someone again. It's embarrassing, worrying, and hard to address when you weren't even there. Here's how to handle it.

First: Get the Full Picture

Before reacting, gather information:

What Exactly Happened?

"She hit another child" is vague. Ask for specifics: - What happened right before? - Who was involved? - What time of day? - Where were they? - How did the other child respond? - How did the teacher respond?

Is There a Pattern?

Ask the teacher: - How often is this happening? - Is it always the same child or different children? - Are there specific triggers? - What time of day does it usually occur? - What situations make it more likely?

How Is It Being Handled?

What does the school/daycare do when it happens? Their response matters.

Common Reasons for School/Daycare Hitting

Transition Struggles

Many children hit during transitions: arriving, leaving, moving between activities. The structure change is overwhelming.

Peer Conflict

Different social rules than home. Kids take toys, invade space, don't share. Your child may not have the tools to navigate.

Overstimulation

Daycare and school are loud, busy, chaotic. Some children become dysregulated from sensory overload.

Tiredness

If hitting happens in the afternoon, fatigue may be the culprit.

Social Skill Gaps

They may not know how to enter play, ask for turns, or handle rejection.

Separation Anxiety

Sometimes hitting is an expression of anxiety about being away from parents.

Specific Child Conflict

Sometimes there's an ongoing dynamic with one particular child that keeps erupting.

What to Do at Home

Don't Over-Punish

You weren't there. You don't have full context. A big punishment at home hours later isn't effective and may not be fair.

Do Talk About It

"I heard you hit someone at school today. What happened?"

Listen without judgment. Try to understand their perspective.

Problem-Solve Together

"What could you do next time instead of hitting?" "What words could you use?" "Who could you go to for help?"

Practice Social Scripts

Role-play scenarios they face at school: - "What do you do if someone takes your toy?" - "What do you do if someone won't let you play?" - "What do you do if you're feeling really mad?"

Read Books About It

Stories about using words, calming down, and making friends reinforce the lessons.

Partner with Teachers

Approach Collaboratively

You're on the same team. Don't be defensive. Come ready to problem-solve together.

Share What Works at Home

"At home, we find that giving him a warning before transitions helps." Share strategies that are effective.

Ask What You Can Do

"What can we do at home to support what you're working on at school?"

Request a Plan

For persistent issues, ask for a written behavior plan: - What triggers will they watch for? - How will they intervene? - What will they teach? - How will they communicate with you?

Stay in Communication

Daily or weekly check-ins help you stay informed and respond consistently.

What to Ask the School

How Can They Prevent It?

- More supervision during high-risk times - Warnings before transitions - Space from specific children if needed - Sensory breaks

How Are They Teaching Alternatives?

- Are they teaching words to use? - Are they practicing social skills? - Are they using stories or social-emotional curriculum?

What's the Environment Like?

- Is it overstimulating? - Are there quiet spaces for breaks? - Is there enough structure? - Are transitions managed well?

Red Flags at School

Be concerned if: - Teachers seem to shame or harshly punish your child - There's no real plan for addressing the behavior - They want to label your child without helping - They seem to have given up - The approach is only punitive, not teaching

Good schools/daycares respond to aggression with calm limits AND teaching. If yours isn't, advocate for better.

When It's More Than Normal

Consider evaluation if: - Hitting is daily despite interventions - Your child is getting hurt or hurting others significantly - It's affecting their ability to stay at the school - There are other concerns (language, sensory, social) - Nothing seems to help

Your pediatrician can refer you for developmental evaluation if warranted.

What to Tell Your Child

"Hitting isn't okay at home or at school. We're going to work together to help you use your words and your calm-down strategies. I love you, and I know you can learn this."

Frame it as a skill they're building, not a character flaw they have.

The Long View

School/daycare hitting is common, especially in toddlers and preschoolers. With consistent responses at home and school, most children outgrow it.

Your job: stay calm, partner with teachers, teach alternatives, and trust the process.