Why Toddlers Hit (And Why It's Developmentally Normal)

Your sweet baby has become a tiny tornado of hitting, biting, and pushing. What happened? The answer is: development happened. Here's why toddlers hit—and why it's actually normal.

Their Brains Are Under Construction

The prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, planning, and rational thinking—won't be fully developed until their mid-20s. In toddlers, it's barely online.

What does this mean? They feel an impulse (anger, frustration, excitement) and their brain has almost no ability to stop the action that follows.

They're not choosing to hit. They're reacting before thought is possible.

They Don't Have Words Yet

Toddlers have big feelings and tiny vocabularies. When they're frustrated, overwhelmed, or even excited, they lack the language to express it.

Hitting is communication. It's saying: "I'm frustrated!" "That's mine!" "I don't like this!" "I'm overwhelmed!" They just don't have better tools yet.

They're Testing Cause and Effect

Toddlers are little scientists. "What happens when I hit?" is a genuine experiment. Does the other person cry? Does Mommy react? Do I get the toy?

This isn't manipulation—it's learning. They're figuring out how the world works.

They're Overwhelmed

When toddlers are tired, hungry, overstimulated, or in transition, their already-limited regulation capacity drops to zero. Hitting often happens when they're depleted.

The late afternoon meltdown that ends in hitting? That's not a behavior problem. That's a tired child who has used up all their coping resources.

They're Copying

Toddlers learn by imitation. If they see hitting—from siblings, at daycare, on TV, or from adults—they file it away as something people do.

They're not judging whether it's right or wrong. They're just absorbing: "This is something that happens."

What This Means for You

It's Not a Character Flaw

A toddler who hits isn't "aggressive" or "bad." They're developmentally normal. Almost all toddlers hit at some point.

It Still Needs a Response

Normal doesn't mean acceptable. You absolutely should set limits and teach alternatives. But you can do this without panic, shame, or punishment.

It Will Improve

As their brain develops, their language increases, and they learn better tools, hitting decreases. This is a phase—a long, exhausting phase, but a phase.

Prevention Matters

Since hitting often happens when they're depleted, prevention is powerful: - Watch for hunger and tiredness - Reduce overstimulation - Give warnings before transitions - Supervise closely during high-risk times

Teaching Takes Time

You will say "hands are not for hitting" approximately ten thousand times. That's okay. Repetition is how toddlers learn.

What Toddlers Need

- Adults who stay calm when they hit - Clear, consistent limits - Words for their feelings: "You're mad! You wanted that toy." - Alternative actions: "You can stomp your feet when you're mad." - Patience—lots of patience - Modeling of non-aggressive responses to frustration

When to Be Concerned

Some toddler hitting is normal. Talk to your pediatrician if: - Hitting is constant and severe - It's not decreasing as they approach age 3 - They seem to enjoy hurting others - There are other developmental concerns - Nothing you try makes any difference

The Bottom Line

Your toddler isn't broken. Their brain is just under construction. Your job is to keep everyone safe, teach alternatives, and wait for development to do its work.

It will get better. I promise.