Raising Kids Who Can Accept Compliments and Criticism
Teaching children to receive feedback gracefully.
Some children deflect every compliment. Others crumble at the slightest criticism. Neither response serves them well. Learning to receive feedback—both positive and negative—is a skill worth teaching.
Why Accepting Compliments Is Hard
It might seem like accepting praise should be easy. But many children struggle:
Low Self-Esteem
If they don't believe good things about themselves, compliments feel undeserved or even threatening to their self-image.
Fear of Expectations
"If they think I'm smart, they'll expect me to always be smart." Accepting the compliment feels like agreeing to a standard they fear they can't maintain.
Discomfort with Attention
Some children find any spotlight uncomfortable, even positive attention.
Modeling
If they've seen adults deflect compliments ("Oh, this old thing?"), they've learned that dismissing praise is the appropriate response.
Why Accepting Criticism Is Hard
It Feels Like Attack
For children with fragile self-esteem, any criticism feels like confirmation that they're not good enough.
Perfectionism
Perfectionist children experience criticism as catastrophic—evidence of unacceptable failure.
Black-and-White Thinking
Young children especially struggle with nuance: "If this one thing isn't good, I'm all bad."
Past Experience
If criticism has been harsh, shaming, or frequent, children become defensive against any feedback.
Teaching Children to Accept Compliments
Model Accepting Compliments
When someone compliments you, accept it gracefully: "Thank you, that's kind of you to say."
Avoid: "Oh, it's nothing" or "No, I don't deserve that."
Teach a Simple Response
The easiest script: "Thank you."
That's it. They don't have to explain, deflect, or reciprocate. Just "Thank you."
Practice Together
Give them compliments and have them practice responding. Make it low-pressure and even playful.
"I really like the way you helped your sister." → "Thank you."
Normalize Feeling Awkward
"It can feel weird to accept a compliment. That's okay. You can feel awkward and still say thank you."
Help Them Own Their Strengths
Regularly talk about their strengths. When they own their positive qualities, compliments feel less foreign.
"You worked really hard on that project. That persistence is a real strength of yours."
Teaching Children to Accept Criticism
Separate Feedback from Worth
Help them understand: criticism of something they did is not criticism of who they are.
"Your teacher said your handwriting needs work. That's about your handwriting, not about you as a person."
Model Receiving Criticism
Let them see you receive feedback gracefully:
"You're right, I did forget that. Thanks for reminding me." "That's good feedback. I'll try to do better next time."
Teach a Response Script
When receiving criticism: 1. Listen 2. Say "Thank you for telling me" or "I'll work on that" 3. Think about whether the feedback is useful 4. Decide what, if anything, to do differently
They don't have to agree with all criticism—but they can receive it calmly.
Distinguish Helpful from Hurtful Feedback
Not all criticism is valid. Teach them to evaluate: - Is this from someone who cares about me? - Is there truth in this I can learn from? - Is this meant to help me or hurt me?
Constructive criticism helps you improve. Cruel criticism is about the other person, not you.
Practice with Low-Stakes Feedback
Give gentle, specific, actionable feedback regularly:
"I noticed you interrupted a few times at dinner. Try to wait until someone finishes talking."
When feedback is normal and not a big deal, it becomes less threatening.
Help Them Recover from Harsh Criticism
Sometimes criticism is delivered poorly or is genuinely hurtful. Help them process:
"That was a harsh way for him to say that. How are you feeling about it?" "Is there any part of what she said that's useful, even though it hurt?"
Normalize Imperfection
"Everyone gets feedback on things they can improve. It's part of how we grow. Even adults."
The Goal
Children who can accept compliments develop healthy self-esteem—they can own their strengths without arrogance.
Children who can accept criticism develop growth capacity—they can improve without collapsing.
Both skills serve them for life.
