7 Things to Say to Build Your Child's Confidence

The words you use shape how your child sees themselves. Here are seven phrases that build real confidence—the kind that comes from capability, not just compliments.

1. "I noticed how hard you worked on that."

This praises effort, not outcome. Children who are praised for effort develop resilience; they see struggle as part of learning. Children praised only for results often avoid challenges to protect their "smart" identity.

"I noticed you kept trying even when it was frustrating" is more powerful than "You're so smart."

2. "What do you think?"

Asking for your child's opinion communicates that their thoughts matter. It builds confidence in their own judgment.

Use it for real decisions: "What do you think we should do this weekend?" And for reflection: "What do you think went well? What would you do differently?"

3. "You figured it out yourself."

When your child solves a problem independently, name it. This reinforces that they are capable—they don't need someone else to rescue them.

Resist the urge to swoop in and fix things. Let them struggle, then acknowledge: "That was tricky, and you figured it out."

4. "Mistakes help you learn."

Children with healthy confidence see mistakes as information, not catastrophe. Normalize mistakes by talking about them matter-of-factly.

"Oops, that didn't work. What did you learn? What might you try next time?"

5. "I love watching you do things you enjoy."

This expresses unconditional delight in who they are—not what they achieve. It's not "I love watching you win" but "I love watching you play."

Your enjoyment of them as a person, separate from their performance, is foundational to healthy self-worth.

6. "That took courage."

Name bravery when you see it—trying something new, speaking up, doing something hard. Courage is a muscle that grows with recognition and practice.

"It took courage to raise your hand in class. I'm proud of you for trying."

7. "I believe you can handle this."

Your confidence in them becomes their confidence in themselves. When facing a challenge, communicate that you trust their capability.

"This is hard. And I believe you can figure it out." Then step back and let them try.

What to Avoid

**Empty praise.** "Good job!" said reflexively loses meaning. Be specific about what you're noticing.

**Praise for fixed traits.** "You're so smart/talented/pretty" focuses on things they can't control. Praise effort, strategy, and character instead.

**Excessive praise.** Constant praise can make children dependent on external validation or suspicious of its sincerity.

**Comparison praise.** "You're the best one on the team" teaches them to measure worth against others.

**Contingent love.** Praise shouldn't imply that your love depends on performance.

The Foundation

Genuine confidence comes from: - Experiencing capability (doing hard things) - Receiving unconditional acceptance (being loved for who you are) - Having your thoughts and feelings respected - Recovering from failure (learning that you can handle setbacks)

Your words support this foundation—but they can't replace the experiences that build it.