The Problem with Perfectionism: Helping Kids Who Can't Handle Mistakes

She rips up her drawing because it's not good enough. He won't try anything he might fail at. She melts down over a B+. Perfectionism might look like high standards, but it often causes more harm than good.

What Perfectionism Really Is

Perfectionism isn't about doing your best. It's about fearing that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. It's driven by:

- Fear of failure - Fear of judgment - Fear of being "less than" - Belief that worth is tied to achievement

Perfectionist children often seem highly motivated—but they're motivated by fear, not joy or mastery.

Signs of Perfectionism in Children

- Excessive time on tasks (and never feeling finished) - Meltdowns over small mistakes - Refusing to try new things (to avoid potential failure) - All-or-nothing thinking ("If I can't do it perfectly, why bother?") - Extreme self-criticism - Procrastination (avoiding tasks they might not do perfectly) - Physical symptoms: stomachaches, headaches around performance situations - Giving up if they're not immediately good at something - Hiding work they're not proud of - Comparing themselves constantly to others

The Hidden Costs of Perfectionism

Avoidance

If you only do things you're certain to excel at, you never grow. Perfectionist children often have narrow lives—they stick to their strengths and avoid challenges.

Anxiety and Depression

The constant fear of not measuring up takes a toll. Perfectionism is strongly linked to anxiety and depression.

Fragile Self-Esteem

When self-worth depends on achievement, every setback threatens identity. Perfectionist children may seem confident, but it's often a brittle confidence.

Procrastination

Paradoxically, perfectionists often procrastinate because starting means risking imperfection. Better to delay than to produce something flawed.

Physical Symptoms

Chronic stress shows up in the body: stomachaches, headaches, sleep problems, muscle tension.

Relationship Strain

Perfectionism can extend to relationships—expecting perfection from friends, family, and oneself as a friend. This creates isolation.

Where Does Perfectionism Come From?

Temperament

Some children are naturally more prone to perfectionism—detail-oriented, sensitive to criticism, high achieving.

Parenting Patterns

- High expectations without warmth - Criticism focused on failures rather than effort - Praise only for achievement - Modeling perfectionism yourself

School and Culture

- Grades as the primary measure of worth - Competition and comparison - Messages that only excellence matters

Anxiety

Perfectionism is often a way to manage anxiety. "If I do everything perfectly, nothing bad will happen."

How to Help

Examine Your Own Perfectionism

Children absorb what they see. If you model perfectionism, self-criticism, or fear of failure, they learn it.

Practice making mistakes gracefully in front of them. "Oops, I messed that up. Oh well, let me try again."

Praise Effort, Not Perfection

"I can see how hard you worked" rather than "You got 100%!"

Emphasize process over outcome.

Normalize Mistakes

Make mistakes no big deal. "Everyone makes mistakes. That's how we learn."

Share your own mistakes casually.

Challenge All-or-Nothing Thinking

"You're saying this drawing is terrible because one part didn't turn out. What parts do you like?"

Help them see the middle ground between perfect and worthless.

Set "Good Enough" Standards

Help them define "good enough" before starting a task. "How will you know when this is done?" This creates an endpoint that isn't perfection.

Talk About Famous Failures

Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. J.K. Rowling was rejected by 12 publishers. Failure is part of every success story.

De-emphasize Grades and Achievements

Talk about what they learned, not what they scored. Celebrate curiosity and growth, not just results.

Create Safe Spaces for Imperfection

Family game nights where the point is fun, not winning. Art projects with no "right" answer. Activities where process matters more than product.

Teach Self-Compassion

"What would you say to a friend who made this mistake?" Help them extend to themselves the kindness they'd give others.

Address Underlying Anxiety

If perfectionism is anxiety-driven, treating the anxiety often helps. See our articles on childhood anxiety or consider professional support.

When to Seek Help

Consider professional support if perfectionism is: - Causing significant distress - Leading to avoidance of normal activities - Accompanied by depression or severe anxiety - Getting worse over time - Interfering with eating or sleep

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is effective for perfectionism.

The Goal

The goal isn't to eliminate high standards—it's to decouple self-worth from achievement. Your child can still work hard and care about doing well. But they need to know: they are worthy regardless of their performance.