How to Give Effective Instructions (That Kids Actually Follow)

The way you give instructions dramatically affects whether your child follows them. Here's how to set up requests for success.

What Doesn't Work

Calling from Another Room

You can't compete with toys, screens, or imagination. Yelling "Get your shoes on!" from the kitchen rarely works.

Vague Instructions

"Behave!" "Be good!" "Get ready!" These don't tell your child what to actually do. They require interpretation your child may not get right.

Question-Format Commands

"Can you put your toys away?" invites "No." If it's not actually a question, don't phrase it as one.

Too Many Instructions at Once

"Go upstairs, brush your teeth, put on pajamas, pick out clothes for tomorrow, and come back down." That's five things. They'll remember one.

Instruction + Lecture

"Put your shoes on. And you need to be faster in the mornings. If you would just get up when I call you, we wouldn't have this problem every day..." They stopped listening after "shoes."

What Does Work

Get Close

Walk over. Get on their level. Make eye contact. Now speak.

Physical proximity dramatically increases compliance.

Say Their Name First

"Oliver. Please put your shoes on."

Their name gets attention. Then the instruction lands.

Be Specific

Instead of "Clean up," try "Put the Legos in the bin."

One clear, specific action is easier to follow than a general category.

Use First-Then Language

"First put your shoes on, then we'll go to the park."

This tells them the order of events and motivates compliance.

Give One Instruction at a Time

Wait until step one is done before giving step two. For younger children especially, one thing at a time.

State the Positive

Instead of "Don't run!" try "Walk, please."

Tell them what to do, not just what to stop doing.

Use a Calm, Confident Tone

Firm but not angry. Confident but not aggressive. Your tone says "I expect this to happen" without yelling.

Give Processing Time

After giving an instruction, wait 5-10 seconds. Some children need time to process and shift gears. If you repeat immediately, you're not giving them a chance.

Use Visual Cues

For routines, a visual checklist (pictures for younger kids) lets them follow along without constant verbal reminders.

Offer a Warning for Transitions

"In five minutes, we're going to clean up." Then: "Two minutes." Then: "Time to clean up now."

Warnings prepare the brain to shift activities.

The Instruction Formula

1. Get close and get attention 2. State name 3. Give one specific instruction 4. Wait 5. Follow through if needed

"Lily. (Eye contact.) Please put your plate in the sink. (Wait 5-10 seconds.) Thank you."

Following Through

If they don't comply after a reasonable wait:

- Repeat once, calmly - Offer help if appropriate: "Do you need help getting started?" - Use when-then: "When your plate is in the sink, then you can go play." - Follow through with the consequence if needed

What you do after giving an instruction matters as much as how you give it. Consistent follow-through teaches that your words mean something.

Adjusting by Age

**Toddlers (1-3):** Get very close. Use simple words. Demonstrate if needed. Expect to help them complete the task.

**Preschoolers (3-5):** Can follow 1-2 step instructions. Still need proximity and eye contact. Visual schedules help.

**School age (6-10):** Can handle more complex instructions. Can use checklists independently. Still benefit from clear expectations.

**Tweens (10-12):** Appreciate being asked respectfully, not commanded. Discussions about expectations work better than barked orders.

When Instructions Consistently Fail

If your child consistently doesn't follow instructions:

- Check for hearing or processing issues - Evaluate whether the task is developmentally appropriate - Look for patterns (time of day, type of task) - Consider whether there are too many demands overall - Assess connection—do they feel positively about your relationship?

Chronic non-compliance sometimes signals something else is going on.