Fair Isn't Always Equal: How to Handle "That's Not Fair!"

Parents hear "That's not fair!" approximately ten thousand times per childhood. Here's how to respond without losing your mind—or falling into the trap of trying to make everything exactly equal.

Why Kids Are Obsessed with Fairness

It's Developmental

Around age 4-5, children develop a strong sense of fairness. They become hyperaware of any perceived imbalance. This is actually a positive developmental milestone—it's the foundation of justice and ethics. It's also exhausting.

It Feels Like Love

For children, "fair" often means "loved." When they perceive unfairness, they may interpret it as being loved less. "She got more ice cream = you love her more."

They're Missing Context

Children see the immediate situation but often miss the context. Yes, their sibling got more screen time today—but that child had no screen time yesterday. Kids don't track the full picture.

They're Seeking Power

Sometimes "that's not fair" is a negotiating tactic. It's worked before, so they keep trying it.

The Fairness Trap

Many parents try to make everything exactly equal: - Same number of presents - Same serving sizes - Same amount of one-on-one time - Same rules regardless of age or needs

This seems logical but creates several problems:

It's Impossible

You cannot make everything perfectly equal. Life doesn't work that way. Trying sets you up for constant failure.

It Ignores Individual Needs

Children have different needs. One needs more help with homework; another needs more supervision; a third needs more physical activity. Meeting individual needs is fair, even if it's not equal.

It Creates Score-Keepers

When you treat everything as a fairness calculation, you teach children to keep score. They learn to monitor every interaction for potential imbalance.

It Doesn't Prepare Them for Reality

The world isn't equal. Teaching children that it should be sets them up for constant disappointment.

A Better Approach: "Fair Means Everyone Gets What They Need"

Reframe fairness as needs-based rather than equal-treatment-based:

"In our family, fair means everyone gets what they need. Right now, your sister needs extra help with her project. Sometimes you need extra attention, and you get it. Everyone gets what they need."

This is fair. It's just not equal.

How to Respond to "That's Not Fair!"

Validate Without Caving

"I hear that it feels unfair to you. I understand."

Acknowledgment doesn't mean agreement or changing your decision.

Avoid Justification Spirals

You don't have to prove that everything is perfectly balanced. A brief explanation is fine; a lengthy defense is exhausting and rarely satisfying.

"I made this decision based on what I think is right. I know you disagree."

Redirect to Their Needs

"I hear you want more screen time. Let's talk about that separately, not compared to your sister."

This gets you out of comparison mode and into problem-solving mode.

Use Humor When Appropriate

"Fair? You're right. Life is deeply unfair. I got way less ice cream than you when I was a kid, and I turned out... well, look at me."

Sometimes lightness breaks the tension.

Acknowledge Different Treatment Directly

"You're right that your brother has a later bedtime. He's three years older. When you're his age, you'll have a later bedtime too."

Different treatment based on age or development is fair. Name it.

Don't Compare Children

Avoid "Your sister doesn't complain like this" or "Your brother finished his dinner." Comparison feeds the fairness competition.

Teaching a Healthy Sense of Fairness

Model Fairness in Your Home

Be fair in how you treat each child—not equal, but fair. Consider each child's needs, temperament, and circumstances.

Talk About Needs-Based Fairness

"I got Grandma a bigger present because she's been having a hard time. That's fair, even though it's not equal."

Discuss Fairness Beyond the Family

Talk about fairness in the world: why some people need more help, why rules are different in different situations, why "equal" and "fair" aren't the same.

Praise Generosity

When a child shares, gives more, or celebrates a sibling's success, notice it: "That was really generous. Thank you for being happy for your sister."

When to Take Fairness Complaints Seriously

Not every "that's not fair" should be dismissed. Consider:

- Is there actually a pattern of unequal treatment you should examine? - Is the child expressing a deeper need (for attention, control, security)? - Is the complaint a symptom of something else going on?

Sometimes the fairness complaint is a window into something worth addressing.

The Long Game

You're raising children who will live in an unequal world. Your job isn't to make everything perfectly equal—it's to meet each child's needs, model genuine fairness, and help them develop resilience when things aren't fair.

"That's not fair" will continue until they leave your house (and probably after). Stay calm, stay consistent, and remember: this, too, is a phase.