7 Things to Say When Your Child Won't Listen

You've asked three times. Then you asked louder. Then you threatened. Still nothing. Here are phrases that actually work to get your child's attention and cooperation.

1. "I need you to [specific action]."

Instead of: "Stop messing around!" Try: "I need you to put your shoes on."

Be specific and direct. Children often ignore vague instructions because they don't know exactly what you want. State the action you need, not the behavior you want to stop.

2. "When you [action], then [desired thing]."

Instead of: "No tablet until your room is clean!" Try: "When your room is clean, then you can have tablet time."

This is the "when-then" structure. It's not a threat—it's information about the order of events. It puts your child in control of when the desired thing happens.

3. "I'm going to count to five. I expect [action] by five."

Counting works when it's used sparingly and consistently. The key: something must happen at five. If you count and nothing follows, counting loses its power.

Keep your voice calm. You're providing information about a deadline, not escalating.

4. "What did I just ask you to do?"

Sometimes children genuinely didn't hear or process your request. This question checks for understanding without repeating yourself.

If they can tell you what you asked, they heard you—they're just not complying. If they can't, you have a listening problem to address.

5. "I can see you're having a hard time starting. Do you need help?"

Sometimes "not listening" is actually "feeling overwhelmed" or "not knowing how to start." This phrase acknowledges the difficulty and offers support.

If they say yes, help them get started—then step back. If they say no, you've reminded them that starting is the issue, not the task itself.

6. "I'm going to walk away and come back in two minutes. I expect this to be done."

For children who perform better without an audience, this can work well. You're not nagging; you're giving them space and a clear expectation.

Follow through: actually come back in two minutes.

7. "This is not a choice. This is something that needs to happen."

Some things are non-negotiable: safety, hygiene, leaving for school. When it's not optional, say so clearly.

Avoid fake choices: "Do you want to brush your teeth or not?" If brushing is required, don't frame it as a choice.

Why Kids Don't Listen

Understanding the "why" helps you respond better:

- **They're absorbed in something.** Transition is hard. Give warnings. - **They didn't hear you.** Get close, make eye contact, then speak. - **The request is overwhelming.** Break it into smaller steps. - **They're testing limits.** Normal—stay calm and consistent. - **They don't see why it matters.** Brief explanations can help (but don't over-explain). - **Your requests are constant.** Too many demands = tuning out.

What to Avoid

**Repeating endlessly.** If you ask five times, you're training them to wait for ask #5.

**Yelling from another room.** Get close, get eye contact, then speak.

**Asking instead of telling.** "Can you clean up?" invites "No." Say "It's time to clean up."

**Threatening without follow-through.** Empty threats teach kids to ignore you.

**Lectures.** Keep it short. Long explanations lose them.

The Bigger Picture

Not listening is normal—and maddening. Your calm, consistent responses teach your child that you mean what you say and you'll follow through. That's what builds long-term cooperation.