Apologizing
Taking responsibility, making amends
The forced "sorry" through gritted teeth. The refusal to apologize at all. The apology that comes with "but she started it." Genuine apologies require kids to tolerate shame and take responsibility - both genuinely hard.
What to Know
Genuine apologies require kids to do something hard: tolerate shame, take responsibility, and acknowledge that they caused harm. Forced apologies — the "say sorry" through gritted teeth — don't build this skill. They teach kids that the right words get them off the hook, regardless of whether they mean them.
The ability to apologize sincerely develops over time as kids build empathy and frustration tolerance. Young children literally struggle to hold two things in mind at once: their own experience of the situation and the other person's hurt. This is developmental, not defiant.
What works better than forcing apologies: giving kids time to calm down, helping them understand the impact of their actions, and modeling sincere apologies yourself. The goal is a child who can eventually take responsibility without being cornered into it.
Signs to Watch
- •Refuses to apologize or does so only with attitude
- •Apologizes but doesn't seem to mean it
- •Says "sorry" to end the conversation, then repeats the behavior
- •Gets defensive or blames others instead of taking responsibility
- •Struggles to acknowledge when they've hurt someone
- •Can apologize to some people but not others
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