What to Do After the Tantrum Is Over

The tantrum is over. Your child is calm. Now what? How you handle the aftermath matters as much as how you handled the meltdown itself.

Wait Until Everyone Is Truly Calm

This isn't the moment when crying stops—it's usually 10-15 minutes after that. Your child needs time for stress hormones to clear and their thinking brain to fully come back online. You probably need a few minutes too.

If you jump into teaching or consequences too quickly, you'll get resistance or a second meltdown. Wait.

Reconnect First

Before any conversation about what happened, reconnect. This might look like:

- A hug, if your child wants one - Sitting together quietly - A small shared activity: getting a drink of water, looking out the window - A simple "I love you"

Reconnection reminds your child that your relationship is bigger than any one hard moment. It also opens them up to actually hear what you say next.

Keep the Conversation Short

Young children don't need—and can't handle—long discussions about their behavior. A few sentences is enough:

"You were really upset that you couldn't have a cookie."

"It's okay to be upset. It's not okay to throw things."

"Next time you feel that way, let's try taking big breaths instead."

That's it. Don't belabor it. They got the message.

Focus on the Feeling and the Behavior Separately

Name the feeling with acceptance: "You felt really frustrated."

Name the behavior with a boundary: "Hitting isn't okay, even when you're mad."

Then offer an alternative: "When you're that angry, you can stomp your feet / punch a pillow / come find me."

This validates their inner experience while being clear about acceptable behavior.

Avoid Shame-Based Language

Skip phrases like: - "You should know better" - "Why did you do that?" - "You ruined our day" - "Big kids don't act like that"

These create shame, which makes future regulation harder, not easier. Stick to what happened, how they felt, and what they could do differently.

Problem-Solve Together (For Older Kids)

With children five and up, you can involve them in problem-solving:

"What do you think set you off?" "What could we do differently next time?" "What helps you when you start to feel that way?"

Keep it collaborative, not interrogational. You're on the same team.

When Consequences Make Sense

Natural consequences that flow directly from the behavior can be appropriate:

- If they threw a toy, that toy isn't available for the rest of the day - If they hit a sibling, they need to take space before playing together again - If a meltdown made you late for something fun, you miss some of that activity

Keep consequences directly related to what happened, reasonable in scale, and delivered calmly without anger.

What to Skip

Some common responses backfire:

- Forcing an apology in the moment (apologies should be genuine, not coerced) - Lengthy lectures (they tune out) - Punishments unrelated to the behavior (they feel arbitrary) - Bringing it up repeatedly (they need to move on)

The Long Game

One tantrum and its aftermath won't determine who your child becomes. What matters is the pattern over time. Consistent, calm, connected responses build the neural pathways for emotional regulation.

You're playing the long game. Each handled tantrum is a deposit in that account.