7 Things to Say When Your Child Hits You

Your toddler just smacked you across the face. Your preschooler punched your arm. Your seven-year-old shoved you. It's shocking, it hurts, and you need to respond. Here's what to say.

1. "I won't let you hit me."

Short. Clear. Calm. This isn't a threat—it's a statement of fact. You're setting a boundary while staying regulated.

As you say it, physically prevent the next hit: hold their hands gently, move back, or create distance. Your words and actions align.

2. "You're angry. Hitting isn't okay."

This does two things: names the emotion and sets the limit. You're not saying anger is wrong—just that hitting is wrong. This distinction matters.

Many children don't know what they're feeling. Naming it helps them start to recognize the feeling before they act on it.

3. "I'm going to keep us both safe."

This reframes the moment. You're not punishing—you're protecting. Some children feel out of control when they hit. Knowing you'll keep things safe can actually be reassuring.

Follow through: move away, hold them safely, or remove yourself from the situation.

4. "When you're calm, we can talk."

Not now. Now isn't the time for teaching, explaining, or problem-solving. Their brain is in fight mode. Your words won't land.

Say this, then focus on getting everyone regulated. The conversation comes later.

5. "I'm going to walk away until you can be safe."

If you can safely leave, do it. This isn't abandonment—it's modeling that people remove themselves from unsafe situations.

"I love you. I'm going to the other room until you're ready to be safe with your body."

6. "Hitting hurts. I don't want to be hurt."

Simple cause and effect. You're a person with feelings. Hitting hurts you. This builds empathy over time, though it won't stop the behavior in the moment.

Keep your tone matter-of-fact, not guilt-inducing.

7. "Let's find another way to show me you're mad."

This is for slightly calmer moments—when they're still upset but not actively hitting. You're acknowledging the feeling and redirecting to acceptable expression.

"You can stomp your feet. You can say 'I'm so mad!' You can squeeze this pillow. Show me how mad you are without hitting."

What Not to Say

**"That didn't hurt."** It probably did. And dismissing it doesn't teach anything.

**"How would you like it if I hit you?"** Threatening to hit them models hitting. Don't go there.

**"You're being bad."** Attack the behavior, not the child.

**"I'm so disappointed in you."** Your disappointment is a heavy burden. Save the emotional weight.

**"Say you're sorry right now."** Forced apologies aren't genuine. Wait until they actually feel remorse.

Your Tone Matters Most

Calm, firm, low volume. Your escalation escalates them. If you yell, you've lost the teaching moment.

If you can't stay calm (totally understandable—being hit is triggering), remove yourself. "I need a minute" is a valid response.

After the Storm

Once everyone is calm—not five seconds later, but truly calm—that's when you talk: - What were you feeling? - What happened right before? - What can you do next time instead of hitting?

This is where the learning happens. Not during the hitting. After.